Resting and Rusting: Thoughts on Aging
A very meandering reflection on aging and change.
“If you rest, you rust.”
The wall space between the door frame to my bedroom and the door frame to my closet was roughly one foot wide. There stood a small wooden table like a nightstand but it was nowhere near my bed. The top and bottom of the table were in the shape of a heart and placed on the bottom shelf was a 2007 white polycarbonate MacBook. This is the one.
In hindsight it looks like a toy with the plastic casing and plethora of inputs on the left side. What would I even have plugged in? My Fujifilm FinePix camera obviously. At the time, Blair Waldorf and I had the same phone, an LG Envy 2.
I would lay on the floor with my arms propping up my shoulders and play around with my laptop, which I kept plugged in for a good 8 months straight. Could not have been good for my back or the battery life.
My Nana got it for me the semester before I went off to college so that I could “practice” using it. What a funny thought now, to need to practice using a laptop. I’d used a desktop for years at my house but having my own computer was exciting and represented an upcoming season of change, of moving away to college, and I wasn’t going to tell my Nana that I didn’t really need it early to "practice.”
We didn’t have wi-fi at the house and without persistent internet access, my laptop served 2 key functions: a place for my friends and I to goof around with Photo Booth which felt like a photographic luxury considering the phones at the time and a place for me to store the quotes I liked.
thx Photobooth for the first dorm room pics
I would paste these quotes in from different websites or sources that I found, so they all ended up in different fonts. I remember in a small size and in bold type I had the quote “If you rest, you rust.”
It felt like a mantra at that ripe young age, something to live by, and for the next decade or so, I did.
Changing Perceptions
Time
That sticky note felt like life was in the future. When you’re young you can’t wait to be 16, 21, 25. Illusory milestones which feel like they hold intrinsic accomplishment. There is a societal push to get you there and then a social perception of decline. Stigma around turning 30 and what you should have accomplished, 40 being “over the hill”.
We spend so much of our youth wanting to be older when really that is just the beginning, and so much of our adult years with perceptions that all of the glory was in youth, which is unfortunate considering the majority of life is in this adult period.
I think I was always a bit of an old soul but I think one of the biggest shifts or continued thoughts I have is that the best is always in the future. We know more, we learn more, and even as our body changes, ages, grays and hurts, we’re lucky for it to have lived and earned these signs of age.
Youth is a gift but so is age.
Change is the only constant but in the end we own our destiny.
Amor Fati.
The love of one’s fate.
A fate that you can control.
My perception of time and aging has shifted.
Resting and Rusting
Resting and rusting used to sound like the end and now I realize they are both necessary means.
Resting, both mental and physical, is a basic mechanism of preservation.
For me it is about not over committing yourself and spending your energy in the places that are going to give you back the most life. It means going to bed early and deleting Instagram for long periods of time.
Restorative activities fall into two categories: creative and consumptive.
Creative
Painting
Going to the gym
Consumptive
Reading books
Going to Art Museums / Galleries
Long Form Interviews
Resting feels more elective than rusting at this point.
I am not patio furniture, so my rust does not appear as reddish brown corrosion in the surface but has manifested firstly in the corrosion of my right shoulder and its general mobility. Likely not just a sign of age but of working at the computer all day for a decade plus. I am going to yoga a few times a week(which seems to be helping), the chiropractor every three weeks (which helps if I do my prescribed stretching, which I don’t always), and the masseuse monthly (which feels like a luxury, and it is, but meant more so to maintain mobility).
The other case for rusting I will make are the sporadic little gray hairs which have started to appear. Had a bit of an existential crisis for a day or so when I realized how many there were, then I wrote a little poem and drew a little picture called “gray hares in the garden” and got over myself.
Aging is a privilege and as much as I know it to be true, I still need to remind myself sometimes.
Know Thyself
But How?
We get to know many people in our lives, but how do we get to know ourselves?
Our exposure to ourselves is predominately in our own mind, which we know is malleable and fallible. If Brian Williams can do it in front of the nation, multiple times, then we are likely often deluding ourselves.
And aside from photos, videos and stories our loved ones tell, what we really know is what we remember, what we perceive, and how much of it is true? How much of it do we really even remember? What even is truth?
As present and introspective as we may be in today, I cannot help looking back at my former self with some sense of distance or separation. Is that who I was- for better or worse? Were those my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs?
Another one of the quotes on that digital MacBook sticky note of mine was “change is the only constant”. Whether through natural course or my own decisions to inject continual change into my own path, I’ve found this a persisting wisdom though I don’t obsess over it as a philosophy on a sticky note any longer when all of the change felt like it existed in the future.
So what has changed in perception? Perhaps everything, perhaps nothing in the grand scheme of things.
One of the best pieces of advice from my trusted friend Steve is to journal daily - read more on lessons from him here. I’ve kept a daily journal with a short entry for the last 13 months and have a separate one for longer form thoughts when I decide to dive into it, which isn’t often enough.
Thanks to the internet, there do exist digital artifacts that let me look back in time at a younger self. Please find below a Facebook post from 15.5 years ago, in its original form for posterity.
Thematically I don’t think the allocation of my brain space has really altered that much since January 2009.
What has stayed the same?
I don’t punctuate or capitalize properly in text messages but hypocritically still want people to spell things correctly, that I still spend a lot of time reading, I’m still writings things online and remember the early Xanga blog days fondly, I make time to paint vs wishing I had it, still wish I slept more, I still like miso dressing but have not been to Little Tokyo in YEARS, I still love apples and coincidentally the refrigerator in our London apartment is barely larger than the fridge we had in the dorm room when I wrote this. I still don’t really regret anything I have done and working on taking action on things I care about doing to mitigate any future regret around the things I didn’t do. I still want to see Steve Miller Band in concert again soon, especially as Jimmy Buffett passed away last year, would still watch Into the Wild again (even though we stream now more often than we’re forced to rent). The notion that I haven’t seen anyone from home in a long time is still relatively true though the distance from home is much longer and I did see my brother about a month ago.
What has changed?
My definition of fun from that New Year’s resolution. I read for pleasure and not because it’s assigned, and I read mostly on the tube, the bus or in my bed. I no longer write things on Facebook but still have my own little corner of the internet where where I write, have not seen a pita pit in years nor had broccoli cheese soup but I still love it, the biggest and best decision at the time was to have gone to UT, and the biggest and best decision now to date was to marry my husband. I no longer check Juxtapoz (an art Magazine my friend Laurel introduced me to in 2007!) and PostSecret (but after taking a quick look now I might pick this one back up). I no longer draw cubes in note books, but I do doodle still. I no longer need to decide where I want to study abroad - I went to Austria, loved it, have traveled a ton since and now live in London. I did get a job out of college that I really did enjoy and have had several since, most of them which have brought me many positive things in life, my perception of “seeing someone from home” when Austin felt far but now I am very literally across an ocean from home, my brother is 23 and him at 8 years old feels like simultaneously like a distant dream and yesterday.
Twenty Five Today
The first iteration of this was done 4 months before I turned 19, and if I do it today and again in the same gap of time, I will be 49 and that doesn’t actually seem possible.
Roughly a year after writing the original 25, in January of 2010, Amber asked me if I wanted to go to a John Mayer concert that March. I knew and liked a few of his songs and agreed to attend. I loaded my iPod with as many songs of his as I could find (there were 99 of them which included some live versions and different recordings) and listened ONLY to his music in the months leading up to the concert and then still only his music for about 6 months afterward. It’s been 15 years and I still listen to a disproportionate amount of his music. This also kicked off a habit of listening to the same album or artist on repeat for months on end. We went to see him again about a year later and only 2 months ago in March of 2024 did I see him again. Magic each time.
I am currently trying to balance my time between consumption and creation. The digital, algorithm driven world we live in today makes it VERY easy to get stuck in consumption mode and it feels wasteful and gross when you over indulge. Analog consumption (books or other) is completely acceptable for me. From a creation perspective I am also balancing digital and analog; writing here is a good catharsis and anthology which will hopefully serve my future self as this original Facebook post has to help me navigate future selves. Painting is my other main creative endeavor.
Still have a bit of a depression era child mindset which makes me not want to spend any money but I am working on that and in small ways buying books is helpful. My favorite book store in London for new books is Hatchard’s on Piccadilly but I also really like buying used books, specifically at the Oxfam store in Kensington. I’ve read about 50+ books since we’ve lived in London. There are 65 other books I have bought and not yet read. I keep all of the books that I read and at the end of the year any of them I don’t believe I would want to read again get donated to Oxfam and any others go on my “read” shelf. I will bring these with me when we move home as I donated my full personal library both when we left California and Texas and I don’t want to start over again.
There is a bud of an idea in my mind for a book but I don’t spend enough time thinking about it and fleshing it out (there is a small pun there) - but I have some rough notes typed up to hold myself at least somewhat accountable.
I bought an old typewriter last year that I really love. I don’t use it often but I really enjoy it when I do. It takes a lot of wrist strength but is really rewarding versus typing on a computer. It requires a higher level of intentionality and mistakes are not backspace-able. They are left there with strikes through them as a reminder. The longest piece I have written was a 20+ page letter response to my friend Steve after reading the book of essays he wrote.
In addition to my consumption / creation balance I am also constantly seeking an analog / digital balance and am always failing by erring toward the digital realm.
In the past years I have done something which has negatively impacted my right shoulder and lower back. It’s a combination of factors in that I sit at the computer working too much, hold my phone in my right hand too often and all of my muscles have adjusted and compensated for it. I’m doing more to resolve it now as I am too young to hurt like I do. Feeling better recently but it requires diligence on my end and I often put more diligence into working than into sustaining myself.
Spend a good amount of time looking at Real Estate - sometimes at random little places outside of Rome or Florence and sometimes in more realistic places like suburban Houston/ Austin for rental properties. Still working on building out the Real Estate Empire.
Coming to terms with dreams versus reality and trying to live less in a dream world to reduce the daily cognitive dissonance of life. Living in Italy would be amazing, but that is not something that really makes sense right now, so instead of dreaming about it right now I will focus on the present and consider that for a future where we are retired and could actually live and enjoy life there.
My husband is really the best person and is very supportive of my pursuit of creation, analogue and real estate dreams :) I never thought I would be this lucky.
We’ve been in London for over 2.5 years now and the mindset of an expat is a strange one. Planning for the future holds so many different variables, all of which you cannot directly control. So far everything has gone relatively to plan. On paper it feels like the only place you can move in the US after living in London in New York City, but I keep reminding myself that is not true.
I don’t actually eat that many apples currently. You can get decent produce in London but it’s really hard to beat H-E-B produce selection in terms of variety and quality.
I’ve been playing Wordle somewhat consistently for the past year or so. It’s a good quick mental exercise and I like the other apps on the NY Times app like Connections and Daily Crossword. My dad and I sometimes exchange how many tries it took us to get the Wordle of the day and he often beats me which I like.
I’ve been in a car relatively few times in the past years and really love taking public transportation. The few times we’ve been home I drive and don’t mind it but it represents such a behavior and lifestyle shift. I don’t listen to podcasts as often as I used to, which I really did enjoy while driving, but get a lot more reading done.
I think about what I would miss most about leaving London (the art section in the book store, being able to visit the National Gallery whenever I want, ability to get everywhere without driving) and how much I would actually miss that if we left. Access to Europe feels like it would be higher on the list, but this is more sporadic and it’s the more daily / weekly activities which feel more impactful.
I’ve been going to the gym consistently for the last year - started with Body Pump classes, then added in Dance, then Cycling and now Yoga. Trying to find the right balance but I really like this part of my routine.
I have been painting somewhat consistently in the past 1.5 years - realistically I took a 6 or so month break from last July to this January but I am back at it. I have also started using oil paints for the first time and really enjoy them. Painting with acrylic and painting with oil feel like almost two completely different practices. My best comparison is the difference between writing in cursive and writing in print - both are writing but one is more fluid and connective than the other.
I spend a lot of time thinking about the intersection of Art and Religion, specifically in the Italian Renaissance and how this impacted culture and society both then and now. I am obsessed with paintings of The Annunciation and sometimes forget that not everyone else thinks about this as much as I do.
I don’t like getting into bed after 9:30 (which is challenging in the summer when the sun only sets at 9 PM, it really throws off my rhythm for the day). I don’t really like being outside of the house past 730 or 8 PM as it obstructs my “shut down” routine. Weekends included. My opinion is that anything I am really interested in doing can also be done during the day. 1 social activity out with friends or work events per month is just fine - maybe 2. This goes back to the resting and rusting thoughts.
Dogs are still very important to me and right now I am happy to see other people’s dogs. I miss Ellie girl and Vendetta but don’t have an active ache of missing them as I did when we first moved here. I don’t think there is a world where we will have a dog again while we are in the UK, but luckily I live close to the park and see many there.
Despite living close to the park I miss having our own grass to put my feet in and walk around in. The only place I am ever really barefoot is inside our flat. I would also not mind access to a trampoline again :)
Yoga has given me a new appreciation for my feet. This and Botticelli’s paintings with feet in them (see Primavera for an example) have really given me a different perspective.
The meal I eat most often is two scrambled eggs with a half of an avocado sliced and some salsa. I also still really love Tomato Soup. I more recently have stopped eating breakfast and just have lunch and dinner most days.
In different aspects of life I am trying to practice higher levels of discipline. This works when I remember what I want to be disciplined about!
If you’re still reading - thanks! This is the end
